Wednesday, 24 June 2009

• Bridging the Gap: Befriending Our Gay Neighbours

  My post today is part of a project of New Direction Ministries which I wrote about in my May 30 post.  The purpose of the project is to have bloggers post on June 24 - the Wednesday of Gay Pride week - on what they are doing in their own lives to build bridges between the evangelical Christian community and the LGBT community.  The bloggers participating in this project are all listed on the righthand side of New Direction Ministry's blog at

  http://btgproject.blogspot.com/

   

  Be sure to plan on reading all the other blog entries from June 24 to learn how to become better bridge-builders.

   

  Here is my entry for the Synchroblog project:

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  Hi. My name is Jeff.  I have dealt with homosexuality in my life at least since my teenage years, probably even back into my grade school days with certain memories of admiring boys that are etched into my brain.  I have now been married for over 16 years and have two children.  I am an evangelical Christian who supports civil unions from a societal standpoint  for same sex partners, which puts me at odds with most everyone in my church who are quick to voice opposition to same sex marriage.

   

  My journey, which is still in the early stage, towards becoming a bridge-builder between the evandelical and LGBT communities, might have begun when I was “saved” at the age of  19 and asked Jesus Christ into my life.  I had my first homosexual experience when I was 20 with a friend at a summer job.  I came out cautiously as a gay man to a couple college friends for a brief period of a few weeks that following year during the spring trimester of my junior year in college.  I retreated back into the closet that following summer and struggled with my faith and my sexual identity for the next three years.  When I was 24 I began recovery from alcoholism.  Still struggling to understand my sexual identity, I sometimes attended gay and bisexual Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.  But I also started to attend an evangelical church at that same time and got baptized, and gradually I became convinced that everything related to homosexuality was a sin and began the process of disassociating myself completely from two guys I had been sexually intimate with, both friends that I became emotionally dependent on and cared for deeply, even while being very conflicted with my faith.  

   

  Over the course of time I became aware of Exodus International and the idea that I could become heterosexual in my orientation and even consider getting married and having children.  I attended a support group in Chicago for a couple of years, and I sought the help of a Christian counselor who practiced what would be considered “reparative therapy”.  I reached a point where I became confident enough to date a Christian woman I had become fond of, while still uncertain of how successful I could be in marriage, sexually speaking.  I had shared my story with her while we were still friends, both about my recovery from alcoholism and my struggle with same sex attraction (SSA).   I think when we got married that I was convinced that the SSA was completely behind me, and my wife expected the same to be true.  However, that has proven to not be exactly the case,  although we have had a fulfilling sexual relationship throughout our marriage, even with a few uncertain points and dry periods along the way.  I have been faithful to her physically, although I have had some bouts of addiction to porn, nothing I am proud of and something which I am currently free from thankfully.  I have also maintained my sobriety from alcohol for the past 26 years and am active as a leader with our church’s Celebrate Recovery program.

   

  Another step in my journey of becoming a bridge-builder began when my sister came out as lesbian about 15 years ago.  I have not yet shared my own story with her about struggling with homosexuality, but for a period of several years we became estranged after telling her that she could be changed and after setting out “rules” or “boundaries” for times when she would be around our family.  I told her about Exodus and the “ex-gay” support group in Chicago, for which she harshly criticized me for even suggesting that her sexual orientation was something that could be changed.  It took years before we were able to again begin visiting with my sister, first cautiously, then more comfortably, and now, thankfully, through much work and prayer, even to the point where we have much fun together.  She has been dating a woman for a couple of years, who we have included in several get-togethers, both at my sister’s home and ours.  We don’t celebrate the fact that she is a lesbian, but we have learned to accept it and to love her as my sister and as my children’s aunt.  It took some hard lessons to get here, and those lessons have given me a foundation of learning to “build bridges” with other  gay friends and neighbors.

   

  One book stands out strongly in my journey of learning to build bridges: Andrew Marin’s “Love Is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community”.  Andy’s book is drawing me way out of my comfort zone and revolutionizing my idea of what it means to be a Christian.  I am still considering specific steps to be taken, but already I have begun dialogues with a couple friends who identify themselves as “gay Christians” where I would previously have written them off as either “backslidden” or never truly Christian to begin with.  I have given my copy of Marin’s book to one of my pastors who is now reading it, with hopes of initiating a discussion group at our church focused on the book and how to respond to LGBT family members and friends. 

   

  I am also learning to support two different friends who have decided to come out to their families as gay men in the face of opposition.  This is a new role for me as a Christian, where I am constantly asking what would Jesus do.  Some have counseled me to just leave them to follow their chosen path and no longer consider them Christian brothers, but I am called to be a friend even when I may not believe the same as they do, and I am called to support them as a friend in the face of opposition from others in their lives who are walking away from them because of their chosen path. 

   

  At this point in my life I thought I would be settled with my faith and my beliefs and instead I find myself working through the very basics of what is means to be a Christian and how to live that out in a society that is increasingly accepting of homosexuality.  It would be easy to just voice support for “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and the “Defense of Marriage Act” and retreat to the sanctuary of my church where it is comfortable to just say “Love the sinner, hate the sin”.  But that paradigm doesn’t work anymore, and if we want to show the love of Christ to the LGBT community, including family and friends of many sitting in our pews, we have to get out of that safe comfort zone and stretch ourselves to think in new and different ways than we ever have before, and to reach out boldly even when others may shun us for whom we choose to associate with. 

   

  May Christ continue to help me become a better bridge-builder.  I am still learning.  Come along on the journey.  If it is something new to you as a Christian, start by reading Andrew Marin’s book “Love Is an Orientation” and then thinking of specific steps you can take in your own circle of influence.

   

  Peace in Christ.

   

  Jeff 

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