Wednesday, 17 June 2009
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Relapse in dealing with a narcissist
So I relapsed for a moment in dealing with my narcissistic brother as I posted about yesterday. I talked it out at my Celebrate Recovery meeting last night and I got a great response from my Xanga friend Lonnie. (It would be nice to have a little Lonnie in my head telling me how to respond when dealing with a narcissist.)
Don't let him get you angry. His comment to you was to exercise control over you. When you responded as you did you gave him the control he wanted. The person who received the gift is the one who needs to know where it came from. The way to deal with a control freak is to take away all control. When he responds, have a good laugh, and delete it.
And yes keep praying for him, but please pray carefully. Pray only what you would pray for yourself or your own wife and children. There is a tendency to pray "God get'em" prayers for evil people, who've wounded us. The only effective prayer for this kind of person is "God show them your love and mercy" kind of prayers.
God make His face shine upon you, and peace be with you,
Lonnie
My plan is to no longer respond to him in any way because of the past behavior he's shown toward me and my family. I went along with the joint gift idea this one time because it was something my sister wanted to do for my dad and it was on the expensive side, but I think it will be the only time I do this. Any involvement with my brother is unhealthy for me, just like a first drink would be.
Lord, help me to maintain my boundaries, even when I want to yell at him or tell him off. And change him in your timing.
[Edit: Read Lonnie's follow-up comments to this post below.]
Peace,
Jeff
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Comments (6)
Jeff, I've been in your shoes. You'd really like to have a relationship with your brother, but that's not possible. It's not our fault, but still we think it has something to do with us. Believe me I do understand this pain very, very well. We have to let people be who they are. If the way they are is hazardous to our and other's emotional and/or physical health then we need to take steps to remove that person's destructive habits and behaviors.
What we keep thinking is, "Well if I only did more of this, or that, then the relationship would be fine. The absolute truth is that nothing...NOTHING...we do will have any kind of effect on how that person will behave toward us and others. All we end up doing is serving them as they wrong others. We become guilty of complicity with the narcissistic person, because we place importance on the relationship. I don't know if you've ever felt as I have...When my narcissistic friends/family were abusing some other person, I often thought, "Well, at least it's not me they're picking on right now." I'm not kidding, I've thought that. How sick is that??
Dear brother, you must allow your narcissistic brother to be what he is: a toxic personality. Let him poison the water of his own family. I assure you he's treating his own family as poorly as he treats you, He just doesn't do it in front of you. I know this is painful for you. But this is one of those situations in which your compassion and love will not be effectual. Leave this to God's able hands. It is very possible that God in all of His wisdom will not be able to bring your brother to his senses. That's just how self-serving narcissists are, but there is always hope. I've seen God do the most miraculous things in the lives of narcissists.
I'm not meaning to just go over old ground here; to beat a dead horse as it were, I know how great the longing is to connect in a healthy way with the narcissist. This is one of the most difficult things there is to endure, especially for anyone who holds to a Christian perspective. But fixing the relationship simply isn't within your ability to do. I hope to encourage you. Keep the faith, keep a safe distance from your destructive brother, and especially keep your family away from him. Your wonderful wife and children are too precious to be put in the way of harm your brother keeps bringing.
I am praying for you in this difficult time.
May God make His face shine upon you, and His peace be with you.
Lonnie
@Such_Were_You - You know, seriously, I've already been applying everything you said here, having learned frm your past responses and wise counsel of a couple other trusted friends. The light bulbs turned around the time of my mom's funeral in October, 2004, then they got a little brighter last summer around the party. These past five years have been SO much healthier than the 30 before that. This time it was just a short relapse where I copied him into my first communication to my sister, and then reacted to his response. That is where I have to be mindful of it being like a first drinl. I really don't dwell on him at all, and have made no effort to get back in communication with him or anyone in his family beyond what I've blogged about. If for nothing else, this blog has helped me to get healthy in that regard. And I thank you for all the advice and prayer that you have extended my way.
@carleton1958 - I'm sorry if I'm coming off like a broken record. I just know how powerful the emotional undercurrents can be for me. I like everything to be right with people. I do believe you when you say you've got it all in hand.
Also I am always very aware that you have a readership who read your posts and comments. Your post may help many who are held captive to what I call 'ownership' relationships. There are lots of people who've lived so long in the dark shadow of a manipulative narcissist that they don't honestly know they could or should be free from the control of another. Much of what I've written was only partly aimed at you.
Blessings,
Lonnie
@Such_Were_You - My posts on narcissism get the most footprints, so I know what you mean. I've learned from others as well who have contacted me in connection to my posts or commented on some of them.
I find both your and Lonnie's experience of family members with narcissistic tendencies to be very helpful for my work. I don't believe anyone in my family is so fully wounded that they are completely difficult in all spheres of life and on all topics, but I have worked with enough people to have an ability to imagine what it might be like to live with one--horrible. I can't imagine what you must have gone through in your childhood. May you be boundaried and blessed into your future.
@growingintomanhood - Thanks!