Tuesday, 16 June 2009
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Dealing with my narcissist brother (again)
So I go the first line out of my brother in almost five years in response to an email I sent. My sister organized a gift of a new TV for my dad who is moving to the Chicago area this week. Here was the exchange we just had (names left out to protect their identities):
> > Hi (my sister)
>
> You did a fantastic job on the TV research, purchase and
> announcement. I wish I lived closer and was less busy
> so we could have shopped for it together. But thanks
> for a job well-done!!! I could tell Dad was tickled
> from his note.
>
> The only thing I overlooked was not including (my wife) on the
> announcement since the gift was from both of us. I did a
> polite follow-up with Dad that it was from both me and
> (my wife). Sorry I didn't mention that ahead of time.
>
> > I'm planning to pick up the beds next Thursday after
> work and help out for the evening. Will plan to head
> down as soon as we're back to help Dad
> with more unpacking of boxes and more settling in.
>
> Thanks again. Much appreciated!
>
> Love,
>
> Jeff
--------------------------------
To which my brother sent a one-line reply just to me (seriously, first communication from him in almost five years, and seriously, this is all he wrote).
> From: (my brother)> Date: Monday, June 15, 2009
> Re: Surprise!
> >
> This was a gift to Dad from his children.
-------------------------
To which he got a lovely reply from me, copied to my sister. This is the same guy that blatantly ignored my children at my dad's birthday party last year, leaving them in tears. I will not have him target me or my family with his emotional or verbal abuse ever again and get away with it.> From: Jeff
> Subject: RE: Surprise!
> To: "(my brother)"
> Cc: "(my sister)"
> Date: Monday, June 15, 2009
> Dear (brother),
>
> Thanks for the note.
>
> However, I'm sorry, but you're not speaking for me.
> Our portion of the gift was from me and (my wife). We
> don't give gifts to family without them being from both of
> us. All of the gifts we ever gave to Mom and Dad were
> from both of us. Like I said, I clarified with Dad
> that the TV was also from (my wife) and he understood
> that. It was an oversight on my part not to recognize
> it in the announcement before it got sent out. I
> should have looked closer beforehand and mentioned it to
> (my sister).
>
> You can speak for yourself, but not for me. Just the
> same as our financial support and preparation for the party
> last summer was from both (my wife) and me, so is this
> gift.
>
> I hope you and (his wife) and the kids are doing well. Nice
> to hear from you.
>
> Love,
>
> Jeff
-----------------------
We shall see if he responds further. He has this serious bent that somehow my wife doesn't count as "family".I'm not going to "get into it" with him, but I recognized that I needed to educate my dad and my sister a bit more that this gift wasn't just from me, and I gave my brother the heads-up in case he felt the same way about his wife. Obviously he doesn't. My dad understood perfectly when I mentioned it to him on the phone that it was from both me and my wife. I think my sister understands, but she hasn't responded. I think it would be a non-issue to her if my brother hadn't interjected.
He is a real piece of work. I will pray for him but I will not be controlled by him.
Peace,
Jeff
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Comments (6)
Don't let him get you angry. His comment to you was to exercise control over you. When you responded as you did you gave him the control he wanted. The ;person who received the gift is the one who needs to know where it came from. The way to deal with a control freak is to take away all control. When he responds, have a good laugh, and delete it.
And yes keep praying for him, but please pray carefully. Pray only what you would pray for yourself or your own wife and children. There is a tendency to pray "God get'em" prayers for evil people, who've wounded us. The only effective prayer for this kind of person is "God show them your love and mercy" kind of prayers.
God make His face shine upon you, and peace be with you,
Lonnie
This situation and your family will be in my prayers. It's always hard not getting along with family members. My step-grandma has never cared for my dad (my grandpa's only living biological child) and that has caused a lot of tension throughout life and now it's created some problems since my grandpa passed away a couple months ago. Family issues are rough. Just keep praying for your brother and loving him, you just don't have to necessarily like him.
@Such_Were_You - Thanks, Lonnie. I will heed your advice. I don't plan to respond any further if he replies. I decided to address it this time for certain reasons, but will do my best to now let it go. And I don't pray the "God get 'em" prayer. Just that God will change him someday in the Lord's timing.
@carleton1958 - I think that's very good prayer to pray.
wow. this guys' a bit of an a$$! clearly there's some major history there. not sure what that's all about . . . and not sure what could have happened to make him respond in such a bitter, angry way. but i do hope you guys can have some real reconciliation.
dj
@djfree - Hey DJ, thanks for the comment. Yep, long history, with a big revelation coming in 2004 that I was dealing with a narcissistic brother. Look up NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and you get a sense of what I deal with. The healthiest thing to do with a narcissist is stay away. So that's what I have to do. Believe me, I've done everything I can to "reconcile", but that' sbasically impossible with a narcissist. Even Christian counselors have told me that it's tough to get any narcissist to change. So all I can do anymore is pray. I've posted on this before. If I get some time I'll send you a couple links.